Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
