i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
