Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
