Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
