I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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