I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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