How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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