Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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