this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
