I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
