i permit you to call me
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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