my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
