I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
