I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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