I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
