Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
