Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
