Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
