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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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