Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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