I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
