Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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