My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
