so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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