It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
