I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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