hell yes lets make some ravioli
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
