you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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