Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
