you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
