I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
