Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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