i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
