so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
