yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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