yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize