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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
