i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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