Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
