you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
