Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
