I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
