oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
