Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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