Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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