Screwed.edu
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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