Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
There are leaves in my underwear?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
