I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
