When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
