Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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