Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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