3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
