so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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