is your mom at the bar?
Your dad touched me again.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
