Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
