I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
