I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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