More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
