i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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